I remember May of 2005 Mike and I had the "big talk." We wanted to start a family and we were ready. I had planned on going off birth control at the end of May and we said we'd probably be pregnant by September (that was our plan). September came and went and no baby. I remember going to my cousin's wedding at the end of October and I just knew I was PG. I didn't drink because I had all the typical PG symptoms. The next day AF showed and I was crushed. I thought it was the END of the world. I tried to "relax" in November and then joined TWW in December because I just needed to talk about it all.

Honestly, I never thought that we would ever hit our one year mark trying to conceive. I thought that I would be holding my little one by then. Boy was I wrong... I finally decided to start seeing my OB/GYN in August of '06 and she put me on Clomid... I can still remember that first month on Clomid. Again, I just knew it worked for me. I had to be PG! Once again, BFN. Seriously, like why is this happening?? The months progressed with many rounds of Clomid and mood swings yet no success. Mike was finally checked in 1/07 and we finally saw a little into the window of what was wrong. After a Diagnostic lap and a few more Clomid cycles, I knew that our problems were a little too much for my regular OBGYN.

By 6/07 I was supposed to be PG again.. I was supposed to have one already running around the house. No- that wasn't God's plan. I woke up 2 years after I started still with empty arms and a broken heart. Why? I can't wrap my mind around why I was placed on this earth to struggle with such a natural thing. Why did God choose us to have to struggle, to cry ourselves to sleep at night? There must be something very big planned for our lives that we need to be patient for... I just don't know how much longer we can wait.

After our most recent failed cycles with the RE - we have made a very hard decision. Never in my life did I think that we would have to go through so much to be parents but we will. I need to accept that we struggle with IF and the majority of society does not. I need to accept that we will not have children the natural way. We will be doing IVF/ICSI after the first of the year and I need to accept that.

You would think that after so many failed cycles, so many BFN's, so many tears - you would lose hope. Honestly, you don't. I am in love with the idea of being a mother so why could I lose hope. Even though I know that we are breaking this cycle... I will still have hope. You know what - I think that makes me a pretty amazing person. Mike & I have went through hell and back just trying to start a family...but WE still have hope. We might be sad, scared, angry, jealous, etc... but we will never lose hope that someday we will get to be called mommy and daddy. It will happen!

I knew it was too good to be true. I guess it's just not my time... again. I know everything is about perfect timing or whatever - but today I'm just plain angry!

Why do we have to suffer from infertility when there are HORRIBLE people out there having kids? Why? Why do the good ones always have to go through this?

Whatever.

You want symptoms, here they are:

NOTHING! LOL I feel nothing today!

The last couple days I've had AF like cramping and had a really bloated feeling... but blew it off to be nothing. I'm really trying to not put any stock into 2WW sxs b/c I'm positive that they are all caused by the Ovridel booster! Also, I'm still telling myself that my p4 number is caused by that too... I can NOT get my hopes up! It always just crushes me... ya know?

On another note - Does anyone watch Private Practice with Addison from Grey's Anatomy? Anyways, they always touch a bit on infertility and I thought that last weeks show was just horrible! The DH had no sperm in his sample and they told them they had no choice but to use donor sperm or adopt... then they thought, Hmmm.. let's try this new procedure and surgically extract the sperm. Like DUH, that would be the first thing I would think of... They acted like it was no big deal and it was just easy as pie. They blew off all the emotions that a woman dealing with infertility deals with. It just really disturbed me! Then, as the lady who had just had the egg transfer was walking into the elevator she stops and says, Is it possible to already feel pregnant?? FREAKING GAG ME!!!! UGH!! I was just sick to my stomach! Oh well, there was my rant for the day! =)

Just a quickie!

P4 today at 7dpo was 27.1 !! I am very excited yet cautious because I feel like it's just because I got the booster hcg shot on Monday... ARG! I hate not knowing! I will probably test next week this time... we'll just have to wait and see!

Testing - 1 2 3 (for Natalie) Click on the widget for Nat's baby's heartbeat!

baby1.wma

It's DONE and that's all that matters... lol!

I love Christmas Tree's but I've never been good at putting them up. So this was my lame attempt this year.. lol




And just wanted to add my retarded dog running like a freaking maniac Thanksgiving night when we got our first snow... lol! (yes, she is to the left of the tree... the glowing eyeballs!)

Oh how I love Sundays... NOT! I feel lazy and gross because I did nothing today! =(

It's cold, *very* rainy, and I took a 3 hour afternoon nap! I'm not going to be able to fall asleep tonight... I hate my mild insomnia - it really puts a damper on such a nice thing as sleep.

Oh and about sleep - Mike had his sleep study the other night and it is finally confirmed that he does have obstructive sleep apnea. The report also noted that he thrashes his legs a lot... 67 TIMES in a matter of 4 hours! Now do you people see why I'm tired all the time! I need like full body defensive gear just to go to bed some nights. Oh well, after the first of the year he will get fitted for the cpap machine and hopefully that will solve a lot of our problems. I say he just needs to bite the freaking bullet and get his tonsils out and repair the deviated septum. That would solve a lot of MY problems! =)

The RE also called me on Friday afternoon to let me know the results of the morphology/motility they ran on Mike (from the sample he provided for the IUI). She said the morphology is only 4.5%! They like it between 5-14% for IUI's and truly 5 is still pushing it for too low. His motility was only 33% and as you all know...his count did go down as well. Basically (with direct orders from the RE) Mike had to see an urologist very soon. If he has a varicocele and we wasted ALL this time (and money) - them I'm going to be very upset! He has this attitude sometimes like nothing is wrong with him...like the #'s aren't too bad.. I just want him to realize that it's not HIS fault - but they are freaking bad - accept it, deal with it, and let's move on! I know my ovaries suck the big one - but I'm not pretending like they don't.. I accepted it years ago and now I'm doing something about it! I just wish sometimes he would too. He thinks I'm mad at him b/c of his issues... I'm not mad that his sperm are rejects.. but I'm mad at him for not acting like he cares!! (See, he thinks that I'm irrational when saying this because he says he cares soooo much!) I guess girls and guys are from different planets and I just can't see it. I'll never understand men...never. I have this idea of how he should be acting if he truly cares...and he's not acting like that.. Oh well. Sorry for my rant.

Well, I'm off to watch my favorite Sunday night show - Desperate Housewives! Yay!