I must be getting punked...

...because why else would everything in my life go wrong today?

I'm not going into details but to sum it up:

1. Today is CD1
2. Mike's s/a came back, not good.
3. Everyone around me is PG
4. I hate my boss

I know, poor me - right?  I know it could be worse and I'm usually not like this...but let me be.

After the longest cycle of my life, AF reared her ugly head.  Since then I have had uncontrollable emotions and I'm a major spaz.  I'm not even mad that she's here...I just can't stop the crying.  blah.

As far as Mike's semen analysis goes - it's nothing but bad news.  Just one more punch in the gut, that's all.

Results from Today ~vs~ Results from January/07

Volume:  5.0 vs. 6.0 (Reference range 2-5)
Count:  15 vs. 28 (Reference range 60 - 150 million/mL)
Sperm Motility:  30% vs. 60& (Reference range >60%)
(of those 30% motile - only 10% move in a forward progression)
Morphology (% of Abnormal Forms):  40% vs. 40% (Reference range <30%)
Eosin Staining: 48% vs 44% (% of live sperm)

I feel bad for Mike as all he could say was, "I'm sorry..."  He doesn't have to be sorry for something he has no control over.  I don't walk around saying, "I'm sorry for having PCOS."  It's just a fact of life.  I know that we're both in this together...but after today I think he's realized that this "infertility" problem is BOTH of our problems...now more than ever.  I hate that his counts keep coming back lower, but it's almost a relief - just one thing that's not 100% my fault.  I'm sure these are normal feelings... at least I hope so.

Now that it's out in the open that we are TTC, I've been getting all the "positive" stories.  I know that they are said with the greatest intentions... BUT... I don't want to hear them today.  As soon as someone knows we're struggling, I get the "So & so tried for 8 months...they thought it was never going to happen...blah blah blah."  I just want to say - 8 months!?!  That's child's play.  I'm not downplaying other's problems but seriously, COME ON!  Try 27 months.  

I know it's all about God's plan and I'm okay with that.  That doesn't mean that I need to hear it all the time.  Or "It will happen, I promise."  Well, how can you guarantee that?  Are you God?  Didn't think so.  This response would better suit my mood today, "That sucks that you can't get PG, want a beer?"  I would totally be okay with that response.  Quit trying to fix my problem... just agree that it sucks.  Is that too much to ask?  I've already come to terms with my problem.. now I'm just trying to vent.  JUST LISTEN.  Thanks.  

Tomorrow will be better.  I'm sure of it.  CD1 is always does this to me.