I remember May of 2005 Mike and I had the "big talk." We wanted to start a family and we were ready. I had planned on going off birth control at the end of May and we said we'd probably be pregnant by September (that was our plan). September came and went and no baby. I remember going to my cousin's wedding at the end of October and I just knew I was PG. I didn't drink because I had all the typical PG symptoms. The next day AF showed and I was crushed. I thought it was the END of the world. I tried to "relax" in November and then joined TWW in December because I just needed to talk about it all.

Honestly, I never thought that we would ever hit our one year mark trying to conceive. I thought that I would be holding my little one by then. Boy was I wrong... I finally decided to start seeing my OB/GYN in August of '06 and she put me on Clomid... I can still remember that first month on Clomid. Again, I just knew it worked for me. I had to be PG! Once again, BFN. Seriously, like why is this happening?? The months progressed with many rounds of Clomid and mood swings yet no success. Mike was finally checked in 1/07 and we finally saw a little into the window of what was wrong. After a Diagnostic lap and a few more Clomid cycles, I knew that our problems were a little too much for my regular OBGYN.

By 6/07 I was supposed to be PG again.. I was supposed to have one already running around the house. No- that wasn't God's plan. I woke up 2 years after I started still with empty arms and a broken heart. Why? I can't wrap my mind around why I was placed on this earth to struggle with such a natural thing. Why did God choose us to have to struggle, to cry ourselves to sleep at night? There must be something very big planned for our lives that we need to be patient for... I just don't know how much longer we can wait.

After our most recent failed cycles with the RE - we have made a very hard decision. Never in my life did I think that we would have to go through so much to be parents but we will. I need to accept that we struggle with IF and the majority of society does not. I need to accept that we will not have children the natural way. We will be doing IVF/ICSI after the first of the year and I need to accept that.

You would think that after so many failed cycles, so many BFN's, so many tears - you would lose hope. Honestly, you don't. I am in love with the idea of being a mother so why could I lose hope. Even though I know that we are breaking this cycle... I will still have hope. You know what - I think that makes me a pretty amazing person. Mike & I have went through hell and back just trying to start a family...but WE still have hope. We might be sad, scared, angry, jealous, etc... but we will never lose hope that someday we will get to be called mommy and daddy. It will happen!