Isn't it funny, no one will speak with you until you pay up! I had some general questions regarding IVF for the RE's nurse and she kept jumping around the topic and then finally said, "Well once you get your down payment in we'll be able to answer all your questions!" WHAT? I could ask general questions, but none pertaining to my actual cycle and medications, etc. It was actually sort of funny to me!

After some issues with our credit union, we have finally made the $8,075 down payment to the office and I got "the call" today to go over everything. She said that my prescription for bcp's and antiobiotics were put in the mail and I should get them any day. She also said that Mike's frozen sample was good enough for ICSI just in case we needed to use it.. I don't think we will, just their way of getting another $200 from us! Nah... actually I'm glad they require it, what if Mike was sick or goodness... couldn't give the sample! LOL It's a great backup - I would hate for all those meds to go to waste - I would probably lose it!!

So, we're definately on our way. It seems so surreal and I know you'll probably hear me say that phrase about another 500 times over the next few weeks.. but it truly is. I hope that we are fortunate for it to work on our first try, but I know that we only have a 40% chance success rate. It's better than nothing, but puts things into perspective - that's for sure. We will do whatever it takes... but for this year - this is our ONE shot. We're not poor, but we're not made of money and paying 100% out of pocket is so scary for us. The risk is great, but the reward is greater.

Sometimes I feel that my problems with infertility are so small compared to others. Things really made me think last week when a friend of mine was killed in Iraq. Can you imagine his family, they have lost their son. I may not have a child, but I also have nothing to lose. My hurt due to empty arms is so great, but I don't think it could ever even compare to losing a child. He was 26 years old, so young - so much life left to live. It really opens your eyes.

We have his viewing on Friday and his funeral is at the high school on Saturday. I'll be going with a bunch of our classmates and it's going to be tough. I haven't seen Mike since high school but it doesn't mean we weren't friends. He was the type of person who left a lasting impression on your life. His smile was what he was known for... you can't forget it. He was such a positive person! He was on his 2nd tour in Iraq and wanted to be there. He wanted to fight for our country, for his family. That was what he felt he was supposed to do - and that is why he'll always be remembered as a hero. Please pray for his family and friends - they definately need it right now.

The beotch boss saga continues...

Okay, where do I begin?

Let's start with the first week of December. I was working and noticed that my phone had been acting strange. It was "crackling" and kept going "in and out"... hard to explain but I'm sure you get the picture. Anyways, I'm a receptionist so I need my phone. I use it about 7 hours a day and it's not fun when I'm on hold with an insurance company (for the last 40 minutes) and the phone cuts out and they whole time was WASTED! Yeah, that's no fun at all!

The first thing you think of when something in your office goes bad is to report it to the office manager, right? WRONG! My crazy boss gets mad and thinks you are trying to get new things. She doesn't believe you when you tell her that things are broken. She's lost her mind. Why the HELL would I lie about that? Trust me, I'm not enjoying losing calls and ticking off patients! Not my idea of a great time!

Well, she thought it could be a cord issue (which I knew was NOT the case) so she ran to staples and wasted some money on a new one. At the time it was a nice gesture but I knew better. She was just doing it to get my to shut up. She stood there and watched as I opened the cord and replaced it with the old one. She said, "So, does it work now?" When I told her no - she was ticked and walked off. She never offered anything more. For the next 3 days I used my phone with one hand holding the phone and one hand holding the cord tightly into the handset as I knew that was the problem.

The next 2 weeks I was filling in for two of the other girls I work with while they were on vacation so I rarely used my phone. I was so busy and since I wasn't using it, it almost slipped my mind. Now, lets fast forward to the day after Christmas. I get back to work (finally doing my own job) and started using the phone again - SHOOT! My phone still doesn't work and the boss is on vacation!! Crap! The boss will be gone for two weeks and I couldn't work like that - I kept losing calls!!

I thought of a grand idea - I would switch my handset with the boss's and then switch them back before she came back from vacation. I'm so smart! LOL Well, that was the trick! The phone worked perfectly and then I would tell her the "handset" was the problem when she came back so she could order me a new one. Fast forward two weeks - I forget to switch the handsets before she gets back... ut-ohhhh!!

Well, I didn't remember until today actually. She calls out to my desk and asks if my phone is acting up because now HER phone is doing the same thing. She's just so upset because it's giving her a hard time so she ordered TWO new phones.. one for me and one for her!! SHIT! I confessed and was honest. I told her that I switched the handsets while she was gone and honestly forget to switch them back. I wasn't doing it in a malicious way - I just wanted a working phone! Since my phone was working, I honestly forgot about it! I've been busy...

Oh man, she was MAD! She said that I was disrespectful to her!! WHAT?!? Disrespectful? "Man, I'm going to have to start locking my office door if you're going to come in and steal my things!" I was *this close* to slapping her upside the head when she said that! I told her I was sorry that I didn't switch them back and I was freaking genuine! She said that I am not patient and when I don't get what I want, I take matters into my own hands! WELL DUH! If she isn't going to help me, then I have to do something. What does she want me to do, not do my job? I'm a freaking receptionist for Pete's sake!! I'm on the phone all darn day!

Does she really want to start talking about disrespect? Hmmm, let's see. She disrespected me when she told the nurse about my infertility. She disrespected me when she went behind my back to teach another employee how to do my job.. you know because I'm going to get pregnant and bleed. (Yeah, that's what she said last week - I'm going to get PG from the science experiment and have 10 babies and bleed a lot) Whatever! Who says that?!?! She said that she's just so glad it didn't work the first time because then I would be due when another girl takes 2 weeks off and what the heck would she do? Yeah, I don't think she wanted to bring up "disrespect" one more time to me... I will go off on her.

I was so mad (as you can probably tell by now) after I finished talking (aka getting chewed out) with her, I went in the bathroom and balled my eyes out...not because I was sad, but because I was LIVID! I was shaking!!

It's such a power trip for her.

I can't quit right now because I need a job... They let me take time off and I'll get maternity leave (if/when I do get PG) so I just can't up and quit. What should I do with her? Talking doesn't seem to help!! She always "wins" the conversations and I hate that!! I'm at a loss.. she's impossible to work for.

Happy Freaking Monday, huh? lol

"The jump is so frightening between where I am and where I want to be...because of all I may become I will close my eyes and leap!”

I absolutely love this quote and it definately applies to my life right now. I'm about to approach a very overwhelming and somewhat scary process but the only thing I can do is leap. I know this is what we are supposed to be doing right now, everything is in it's place. It's just a waiting game and hoping for the best... no holding back now.

I met with the new RE on Tuesday and he was amazing! There is no comparison between him and the old RE, no comparison at all! I loved the office, the whole feel of it was different. This doctor seems to know 10 times more than the old RE and he isn't going to play the waiting game, praise the Lord!

It was funny because as he was explaining things to us and then got on the topic of age. I'm 24 and I know most people are shocked when they find out we have to do IF treatments so soon... but the first thing the doctor said was, "you're young, but this is what you need." Any other doctor (old RE and primary care) have said numerous times... "just relax, you're so young - enjoy life right now!" That just infuriates me! Yes, I'm young but we've also been TTC since 6/05! Give me a break! Oh well, that doesnt matter anymore because I have a doctor on MY side! (He better be since we are paying him boat loads of money! LOL) He said some other very comforting things to me as well, things that made me want to hug him! :) Basically he made me feel about 100 times better about myself.. no doctor has ever given my that feeling! It's such a refreshing experience!

Today is cd2 (reminds me I need to change my chart - darn spot lasted forever this cycle!) so tomorrow Mike & I go in for bloodwork. I better drink a ton of water before we go because they are doing about 10 tests a piece on us, that's a lot of blood! Next Tuesday (1/22) I go in for a SHG and Uterine sounding (whatever the heck that is!) and then it's just a waiting game!! When AF starts again I will begin bcp's... I hope it all goes fast at that point! I think I'll start stims the 2nd week of March!!! I can't believe it... it's so surreal! We're doing IVF - I never thought we would get to this...never in a million years.

One last thing - I was talking to my boss (yeah, the stupid beotch!) about needing next Tuesday off for testing and she asked how things were going. I tell her only the basics but did tell her that we were doing IVF/ICSI and her response was priceless.. "Oh cool! You going to be like a science experiment... that's so neat!" Umm, yeah - so neat. It's just so neat spending that much money to start a family! Whatever. What would be neat would be for her sorry butt to give me a raise! Now THAT would be cool! LOL She's a freaking idiot!

It's been a while since I've updated this thing... maybe because there isn't much going on. Christmas was nice but so stinkin' busy! We had a decent New Years Eve as well... I enjoyed myself for the first time in awhile! Tomorrow we're back to the same old stuff: work work work!

I have an appointment with my new RE on 1/8/08 so I'm looking forward to that! We are leaving Kettering because we are not IVF cadidates in their clinic (for very stupid reasons). We will now be going to Ohio Reproductive Medicine and I really hope it's worth it! It's double the distance so that is going to be a little stressful.

If ORM will not let us begin IVF either, we are going to pursue the adoption process. We've already been looking into it quite a bit to gain some knowledge on the whole process. It's all so overwhelming. I've received many packets in the mail and have many calls and e-mails out there - just waiting on responses!

2008 has to be better than 2007! I'm so tired of rejection and failure. This year is going to be OUR YEAR!!